ICON66 – After The Goldrush
After The Goldrush
I was standing on the bridge of the good ship SS Internet on a cold November night, when I saw down below me Entrepreneur Jones standing there in nothing but his night-shirt. I shouted down to Entrepreneur Jones and said, and I quote, "Entrepreneur Jones, how come you are standing there on this cold November night in nothing but your night-shirt?" And he said to me, and I quote, "Well Sir, it was like this, I was walking through Threadneedle Street when I came across this Venture Capitalist, well at least I surmised he was a Venture Capitalist by the comment that he made, and I quote, 'I'm a Venture Capitalist'.
The VC went on to say, 'Hey buddy, have you got an Internet business plan in your back pocket as I have £20 million to invest.' Well Sir, as you can imagine, I followed him up to his office, well at least I surmised it was his office, by the comment that he made, and I quote, 'This is my office.'"
"Well, as you can surmise, I proceeded to give him the best elevator pitch you can imagine, and I quote, 'Well VC, its like this, in year 2 with our thinking big, pan world first mover advantage, we can achieve, with your £20 million investment, revenues of £165 million. We intend to have a massive burn rate and never expect to make a profit. At that point we would have disintermediated the global industry, opened simultaneously in 65 European countries, and be ready to IPO for at least £10 billion within the next 18 months, which, given we are at the idea stage, and my previous experience as a consultant, is a very realistic and conservative plan. Our optimistic forecast indicates revenues of £12 trillion but we have deliberately been conservative. What do you think?'"
"And the VC said to me and I quote, 'Well, I am not sure if you are ready for us to invest, do you have an inflatable board room in your plan and some bean bags to make the business look innovative?' I said and I quote, 'Hey, I'm a consultant, I was born ready, of course they are in the plan, we've thought of everything to maximise our valuation'. That was the killer pitch, well at least I surmised it to be the killer pitch by the comment that he made and I quote, 'That was a killer pitch. A consultant with no knowledge of running a business is a perfect track record, we have a deal, and we only want 10% of the equity to give us a 900% IRR.'"
"And that Sir is how takethemoneywithafunnyname.com happened to be the most successful VC backed Internet business that day."
"Well Sir, as you can imagine, I took the £20 million and proceeded to have the best time of my life. Well at least I thought it was the best time of my life by the comment the VC made, and I quote, 'This is the best time of your life, more champagne and PR'."
"Well Sir, as you can imagine, by the end of the evening we had launched the business in 42 of the 65 European countries, inflated the boardroom and purchased the bean bags."
"Revenues were growing, albeit not as quickly as expected, but fortunately we were managing to exceed our cost targets and were getting ready for the next funding round when, all of a sudden, some wise guy asked and I quote, 'What do you guys do?' Well Sir, as you can imagine, I said and I quote, 'We dominate our sector, have first mover advantage and disintermediate.' But again we were asked, 'What does the business do, have you sold anything? Any hope of profits within the next 10 years?' Then all of a sudden I heard a BANG and the inflatable boardroom exploded just as the receiver walked in."
"Well Sir, as you can imagine, I was out of office, out of window, out of business, out of sight."
"I was running down Threadneedle Street when I looked behind me, and the VC was after me. Well at least I surmised he was after me by the comment that the crowd made and I quote, 'Get a move on you ex-internet millionaire, his knife is half an inch from your left testicle'. Well Sir, as you can imagine, I started to pull away. Then he tripped over a cat, well at least I surmised he tripped over a cat by the comment that he made, and I quote, 'Get out of my way you furry, four legged, feline, fat cat.' Well Sir, that gave me the lucky break I needed, and I made my way back to the good ship SS Internet. And that Sir, is how I happen to be standing here on this cold November night in nothing but my night shirt. Unquote."
`This story is totally fictitious and any reference to any individual, character, entrepreneur or VC is purely coincidental.
